In the future, imperfect sight shall be corrected using means of Lady Gaga

Could this be the future of vision-correcting spectacles? Will all those future humanoids with flawed vision have metallic silver futurenips? In order to answer this question I must first clear my throat. Ghraaazhaghhgh. THE ANSWER IS INVARIABLY YES. For, as you may be aware by now, I currently reside in the future and can succinctly answer all inquiries related to products and sexual acts pertaining to and included within it. "It" being the FUTURE!

Yes, the future of eyeglasses includes but is not limited to: reflective silver wraparound design interface, Lady Gaga hair and futurenip-enhancing torso blouse, unnecessary spandex Griptech brand gloves, optional mandatory headphones attachment that incessantly plays mashups of "classic" past songs with futuristic Lady Gaga songs, such as "Stairway to Poker Face" and "American Pieparazzi." Furthermore, all of those with poor vision will be required to make sexually suggestive gestures with their mouths, so as to entice those of us with perfect vision into considering a course of action that involves stripping them of their glasses and having them do terrible, terrible things in the dark.

In the future, hard-ons will lead us through the sky

Yes past-dwelling humanoids, this is the future of transportation. Here in the future, those in the upper and middle classes all own aerial motor cars. The most popular model, as pictured above, is manufactured by General Fiat-Chrysleryundai Motors, who primarily employs Mexican labourbots. The top of the line Erector model is pictured as it transports two dainty ladies about town—3000 feet in the air! The Erector comes equipped with Phallic Guidance Technology. A humanoid must simply enter the co-ordinates of a destination into the PGT mainframe by means including but not limited to: colouring in the specific bubbles using a #2 pencil on a hole-punched 2" x 6" piece of cardstock, insert said piece of cardstock into the cardstock collection conveyor belt, flip the PGT technology switch (it is tantamount that you utilize the PGT technology switch holster, otherwise the switch will flail uncontrollably from the on to off position repeatedly, leading to the eventual implosion of the entire PGT mainframe), feeding the PGT mainframe precisely 4 slices of moist smoked smeat through its FeedSpout™ (the better quality meat used, the better the mileage of your aerial motor car). Although much debate has come about in recent future years as to the sustainability of aerial motor cars and General Fiat-Chrysleryundai Motors has begun to develop a hybrid version whose PGT mainframe can be fed soy-based meat substitute products, one cannot deny that it is the most luxurious and efficient manner of travel.

In the future, bathrooms shall be sponsored by Sony Playstation

Behold the bathroom of the future, sponsored by Sony Playstation. Yes, here in the future, bathrooms make poor use of space, but no matter you congested scoundrels of the past, we have an abundance of space due to generations of sterilization by means of Blackberry ownership. Unlike the majority of bathrooms in the futile past, the bathroom of the future comes equipped with a laptop computer ledge on which to rest your laptop computer. In archaic bathrooms the space for this ledge was occupied by a urine and excrement depository water-flow bowl, but no longer! These urine and excrement depositories have been outlawed by the Intergalactic Senate after far too many HTC Blackberry-style cellular modular devices were found clogged within the interconnected sewage subsystem, causing mass backups. This then forced humanoids to release excess urine and excrement from window cills. This in turn caused a massive boom for the umbrella industry and soon an umbrella-based economy was the cornerstone of all successful nations. Gradually, umbrella companies throughout the galaxy began to amalgamate until eventually one all-powerful umbrella company remained, Umbrellco, which was so powerful that it rivaled the Intergalactic Senate itself. Soon a war was waged between Umbrellco's standing army and the Intergalactic Senate's sexy killbots (with laser beam nipples! beeeooommm!) until a truce was reached based on conditions including but not limited to: Umbrellco being the exclusive umbrella supplier to humanity, Umbrellco becoming a recognized political party in the Intergalactic Senate, a new galactic statutory holiday honoring those humanoid lives lost in the attempted Blackberry coup several years prior.

The bathroom of the future also features not one but TWO flat screen monitors and a roll of toilet paper beside the laptop computer ledge in case your laptop computer leaks excess RAM.

In the future, analog synthesizers shall prevail

This photograph was recently beamed to me via the hand-delivered mail subsystem by a man of questionable origin. I then photographed this photograph utilizing my hand-held communication module device, uploaded it to the communications service provider website on which I have an account, forwarded it to my electronic mail address, then downloaded it to my integrated circuitry foldable computing device. From there I followed a simple 12-step process to resize the image and eventually acquire the proper copyright permissions to present it to you in this manner.

The return address on the envelope simply read "The Future." Initially I was spellbound to believe that it was my future self who had beamed this photograph to me. My reasons for being spellbound include but are not limited to: I was under the assumption I already was in the future, so how could I receive a transmission from the future unless I am not actually in the future and everything I have come to trust and believe is a ruse. However, upon closer inspection and careful deliberation I concluded that it was not from myself, as the return address lacked the necessary capital letters and exclamation mark. In simpler terminology: it is a hoax.

A vessel as well-versed as I in the future is all too aware that the synthesizers of the future will not be played by astronauts or any ohter humanoids. This photographic forgery was cleverly assembled however. The perpetrator researched future frequency-generating synthesizer prototypes and did in fact include the proper future synthesizers in this photograph. Furthermore, the wardrobe was excellently researched as well. Astronauts of the future will in fact wear shimmering nylon jumpsuits, as vast experimentation has proven it to be the most durable fabric in outer space. As well, low-cut Converse sneakers provide the best traction for interstellar travel on foot.

However, the fatal flaw in this photographic forgery is that all music in the future will be played by musical pleasure-enhancing droids. This allows the humanoid musicians, such as the vessels in musical protocol grouping Guy, to direct better focus and determination on their vocal abilities and syncopated dance moves. MAY THE PERPETRATOR OF THIS PHOTOGRAPHIC FUTURE FORGERY PERISH BY MEANS OF BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DEATH, BEING KILLED, DISMEMBERMENT, TRENT REZNOR'S TWITTER.

In the future, amazement will be accomplished by means of Crannaise

In the past, the superior flavours of mayonnaise and cranberries were separate entities. However, thanks to flavourologist Duane A. Schweitz, these two agents of flavour will join forces for a glorious future of spreadable goodness and overwhelming deliciousity. Only those humanoids with the resilience to survive the iPod uprising that will initiate the revolutionary push towards the future will be adequately equipped to ingest Crannaise. The ingestible scenarios in which these superior humanoids will be privy to enjoy Crannaise include but are not limited to: on sandwiches, in salads, in the shower, atop a loved one, as a dip. As well, due to the iPod uprising, all forms of dancing will be done so atop a colourful background as a silhouette whilst current popular indie rock and roll music song is played. The perfect future party will involve snacks accompanied by Crannaise and this type of silhouetted dancing.

In the future, all musicians will have box-cuts, thin goatees, and gold accessories

I must commend the African American community for constantly and consistently beaming humanity to the future musically. First the rock n' roll. Then the r n' b. Now, the rap n' yo. Furthermore, African Americans appear to be far superior beings, as they are impervious to skin wrinkling, a scientific fact proven through the "black don't crack" theorem.

In the year 1990, an African American musical protocol grouping by the name of Guy released a systematic grouping of songs that encapsulates the future (!) of music. So sure were they that this systematic grouping, or album, was indeed the future (!) that these superior humanoids entitled it The Future. Judging by the precedents of musical history, one can infer that the Black Mountain musical playing vessels in fact stole this musical future for their non-African American humanoid fanbase in order to claim superiority, done so on their album In The Future.

As the truly superior humanoid vessels in Guy proved through utilization of the "black don't crack" theorem, the future was perfected in 1990. All subsequent arrivals in the future are disingenuous and should be punished by means including but not limited to: lasers (beeoooommmm), Cirque de Soliel. When the final days of elapsed time are upon us, the various humanoid vessels will rise up and challenge one another for superiority. It is the African American musical protocol grouping Guy that will conquer all and do so by means of but not limited to the following: on the floor dance moves, 5 lb. steak-eating competition, singing about "getting with" the ominous "you," brightly coloured leather jackets.

In the future, if you fly the plane you'll get different country's books

Behold the library of the future. Designed by genius 6 year-old Tara from College Park, Maryland, the future of libraries includes but is not limited to: airplanes, towering cylindrical blue bookshelves, dangling ladders from the side of airplanes, impeccably green grass. Young humanoid Tara, despite her lack in years of futuristic activity, understands the nature of the future. She is currently living in it and must be commended for it thusly. In the glorious future, rather than have access to books from all over the world via digital means, which would be much more cost-effective, all humanoids will traverse the skies in search of books in various languages, many of which they have not been programmed to understand. This influx of air traffic would be considered dangerous in the futile past, but this is the future (!), we know not fear.

In the future, all music will be mildly psychedelic and sound like 1975

Behold the future of music, today. Black Mountain understand the humanoid connection to chugging guitar riffs and howling vocals. The future of music was achieved in the 1970s. No music that came afterwards really was music. Humanity retreated backward musically whilst moving forward on a time-lapsed trajectory but always twirling, twirling towards freedom. THIS ENDS NOW. "Now" being a moment in 2008, making it "then" by humanoid standards, but there was nothing afterwards. We are still in "now" and will continue to be so, THE FUTURE! The specific moment was but is not limited to: the release of Black Mountain's album In The Future, surgery involving bionic eyes implanted in blind patients. The humanoid music playing vessels in said musical grouping understood the true nature of their album, applicably titling it In The Future. Also, the cover design represents the standard attributes of the future, which include but are not limited to: geometric shapes, glowing cubes, the merging of sludgy soil with geometric shapes, unchallenging Tetris. You must listen to this collection of musical songs in the designated order to fulfill your role in the future!

In the future, all terrorist activity will be carried out by robots

In relation to previous post 1.0, as a means to combat the technology that will profile potential terrorists using biometric data and retina scans, all suicide bombers will be replaced by robots henceforth as of (insert future! date).

This is a fact, as according to the opinion of renowned Sheffield University learning institution and programming module Professor of Robotics and Artificial Intelligence humanoid Noel Sharkey.

The simple flipping of a technology switch by humanoid Radical Islamic leaders in their hidden cave dwellings will activate the robotic bombers who will then reach the target area by means including but not limited to the following: teleportation, rocket-assisted flight, FedEx, Megabus discounted fare.

In the future, border crossing will require biometric data and eyescans

I commend the United States of America for requiring most humanoids who enter the confines of their designated borders to submit biometric data which includes but is not limited to the following: fingerprints, digital photographs. Canadians and Mexicans are currently exempt from such futuristic security measures. In a perfect future, all humanoids will be required to submit such biometric data which will be catalogued for future use which will include but not be limited to: terrorist profiling, cloning, concocting a DNA stew.

Proving that the future is nigh (!), the United States of America will soon collect eye scans from all travelers departing and arriving at airports. The future cannot be resisted. God bless America.

I urge you to read this English-language newspaper transmission on the aforementioned subject.